This article first appeared in the St. Louis Beacon, Feb. 18, 2011 - Since the shooting of U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, D-Ariz., there has been a lot of discussion about the tone and tenor of civic discourse. In the end, it seems that Jared Lee Loughner was less caught up in politics and more caught up in mental illness. But the fact that it took such a shocking act of violence for people to discuss how politicians talk to and about each other seems a little out of touch to me.
It's not just the political discourse that bothers me, though. Across the board I feel as though we have become a mean-spirited, gossiping culture in which it's OK to say whatever comes off the top of your head about other people.
Just look around you, it's everywhere.
On television, many reality shows rely almost entirely on badly behaving "stars" to maintain the ratings. If a reality star isn't picking a fight or cursing or demeaning a fellow cast member, he or she won't get much camera time. Beyond those programs, talking heads or the so-called experts have become, for the most part, purveyors of inflammatory opinion and not of levelheaded, even-handed discourse. Rush Limbaugh comes to mind, but conservative or liberal, almost all are quick to get personal and mean.
Like television, the internet is only as good as the people behind the information. Judging by that, a lot people are motivated by values other than civil discourse and thoughtful reflection. Anyone with an axe to grind and a computer with internet access can now make their voice heard by anyone willing to look it up.
The instant communication of email and texting seems to have amplified our inner thoughts by making them shared thoughts before we know it. How often have you shot off a text or email and then regretted it? We can all be guilty at times.
My observation is that this all goes far beyond our media and electronic interactions. Our social interactions are a mess, too.
The public discourse is a problem. We have become very mean-spirited in how we talk about people with whom we don't agree. We don't just talk about the issue we talk about the person. And we don't just talk; we get very, very ugly. All for what? Does it make your point more valid? No. Do you look like you know what you're talking about? No.
These days, though, it's not just about the big issues. I would say that every single day I witness at least one person (usually more) "blow a gasket." Customers "go off on" clerks; students yell at teachers; teachers yell at students; drivers curse each other -- you know what I'm talking about.
What is crazy about it all is that usually I see this stuff happen under otherwise normal circumstances. We take things so personally. We have stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt. The way a person looks at you, a person's failure to behave the way you think they should, a certain tone in someone's voice: All these can ignite a verbal explosion or at the very least a snarky and rude comment.
We all need to take a "chill pill" as the young folks say. Take a deep breath. Recognize that we are not going to change the other person by yelling or being cruel. Being witty, having a fancy vocabulary or being just plain loud does not make you right.
Of course you realize that our children are watching us. Instead of being part of the problem, we need to be a part of the solution.
If something someone does get you riled up, do yourself a favor and figure out why. If you find yourself getting highly emotional under the same circumstances in differing settings, the problem is likely something unresolved within yourself. Degrading the perpetrator is not going to change that. Seize those moments to do something constructive and learn about yourself.
If you feel the need to say something, say it in a way that doesn't taken an emotional toll on you or the other person. It's possible, but not necessarily easy. Demonstrating thoughtful discretion rarely is. Being a jerk -- now that's easy. Just look around.